Skillz: Reframe Reframe Reframe

I’m just new to understanding and starting to change all of “this”. It’s hard. It’s a daily struggle. So it’s great to learn skills that are actually working!

Right now, the best one for me is reframing. I just keep reframing, reframing, reframing. Being at the beginning is so hard because we were living our lives the best way we could with the tools we had at the time. With good intentions too. If we were aware of things going wrong and we had the correct tools at the time, we could have changed that! We wouldn’t be in such a pickle now! lol

So with that thought in mind, changing habits, changing my ingrained ideas, practicing new techniques and so on… can be so hard and feel impossible sometimes. It can feel so uncomfortable, so unnatural and sometimes it may make me feel hurt/guilty/so many (too many?) huge levels of emotions… That was one of the problems to begin with! lol That’s also exacerbated because I’m right at the beginning and have a whole life and lifestyle to change, in a way.

So… how am I going to feel proud of myself in any way (just as one example), deep down and believe it, if that’s something I don’t inherently feel? Maybe I haven’t even really ever felt it, and that may be closely tied to my beliefs around hurt, shame , guilt, disgust with myself, for example. How can I be successful now that I’m finally starting to be given the correct tools and support?

And in addition, at least in my personal case – I have spent my whole life trying to figure out what was “wrong” with me and doing everything I could to “fix” everything/anything. I could never figure out why I couldn’t seem to “fix” much of what was “wrong” with me. But that’s because no one had ever correctly told me or helped me with what was correctly “wrong” to begin with. It would have been impossible for me to do much of anything well until I was finally diagnosed correctly. 🙂 That made me feel good about myself, and for one of the first times ever, I actually truly really felt good about something, for real. Awesome! 🙂

So I reframe, reframe, reframe. I take something that I can’t fundamentally convince myself to agree with and change it around in a way that it becomes something I can agree with…

I have a hard time saying no. Saying no for me feels uncomfortable and I may feel guilt, selfishness, fear of abandonment, that I may hurt someone else’s feelings and so on… too many reasons for me not to agree that it’s ok to say no.

Now I reframe it so that I can believe that saying no is ok and, maybe a good thing by re-considering the issue from different points of view instead of just mine (how I’ve previously over time come to believe things work).

Now, I might say no so that I can stay as healthy as I can be by not taking on too much, or maybe saying no so that I’m respecting that other person by being honest and not resenting them later, or maybe I say no because I’m trying to set up healthy boundaries that are going to benefit myself and the other person as well. That then makes it 100 times easier to do correctly, especially since I’m just beginning this journey…

And I have to admit… this is one of the hardest thing I’ve ever done and it’s going to be a long road. I never could have imagined how exhausting it could be to continually force myself to live on such a “concious” level so much of the time… making sure to “observe” as much possible then reframing – then practice, observe, then reframing – then practice, observe, then reframing – then practice, observe…  it’s such a hard and exhausting thing.

But I just keep reminding myself… It’s possible to get to the point where you don’t meet the criteria anymore for BPD. And that’s such an amazing and exciting thought for me… So I keep on going. 🙂